6 ways to deal with your boyfriend’s ‘crazy’ ex

when someone you are seeing is talking about their crazy ex, you are probably supposed to say somewhat supportive things. You are supposed to tell them that they are not actually any of the horrible things that she is saying.

1. Be supportive

Look, when someone you are seeing is talking about their crazy ex, you are probably supposed to say somewhat supportive things. You are supposed to tell them that they are not actually any of the horrible things that she is saying. That’s really all they want. Unless you are Betty Draper, in which case you should just stand there, silent with a cigarette. You are so glamorous it blows my mind. If you are not Betty Draper, tell your boyfriend he’s good at badminton. People like hearing that.

2. Remember she could be your friend

Look, taking into account this woman may not be “crazy” we all have friends who have gone somewhat irrational after a break-up. You haven’t said “you’re being crazy.” You’ve said “you’re in pain, take all the time you need. When you boiled his bunny that was just you expressing your feelings.” No, we haven’t said that. But we have let people dump expired dairy products all over the place in fits of rage (you’d be astonished by the number of expired dairy products in my apartment). Anyhow, remember that this girl is someone you would probably sympathize with if circumstances were reversed. Maybe you’ve even been this girl. Send her a small drawing of a dinosaur and 5 tubs of expired yogurt with a note that they are “for throwing at people like a T-Rex.” That makes people happy. That’s what you’d do with a friend.

3. You cannot refer to her as crazy

Your ex can, but he still had a relationship with her. You can’t say she’s crazy. It’s like talking about how you hate your drunken aunt, but realizing you’d be horribly insulted if anyone else did that. You can, instead, refer to her as “Anna Pavlovna” a 19th century Russian Ballerina, and one of my favorite minor characters from War and Peace. There’s no good reason for this, it’s just a fun name to say. Anna Pavlovna. Anna Pavlovna. Anna Pavlovna.

4. Do not contact her

If she is someone you sort of know, it’s going to be tempting to say “hey, so, what happened between you and Beelzebub (your boyfriend’s name is weird, by the way).” Don’t do this. She is going to tell you he fucked her dog. Always. 100% of the time. Just assume he fucked her dog and he’s trying to do better. Never get a dog.

5. Don’t get a rabbit, either

No because your boyfriend will inevitably fuck it, just because I don’t trust them. They have shifty little eyes. If they were people I think they’d be one of those terrible girls who majors in communications and insults you in a vocal fry way. I don’t like rabbits, basically.

6. Let this be a reminder not to be crazy

If you break up with someone, you need to not be this girl. Emotions will be high. There is always a possibility that you could snap and start doing crazy stuff. You will certainly want to. But at a certain point, you learn that life is fundamentally about minimizing regrets. You also learn that you will wait a few months, or years, and you will heal, and you will fall in love with someone else, you will fall in love with a lot of someone elses, and one day, you will go out and meet your ex at the Carlyle (I love the Carlyle the way I hate rabbits) and eat some steak tartare, and it will be good (because they use a proper quail egg), and it will actually be sort of boring, and you will think “oh. Well. We’re fine.” And you will be. This is a kind of regret minimizing that requires a lot of patience. If hearing someone call their ex crazy helps you work on that, that’s okay.