 |
If
you are curious about their past then ask yourself how important this
information really is to you. If you feel that you won’t be negatively
affected with whatever is revealed, then why ask?
|
1. Girlfriends always discuss their relationships
and we do discuss things that boyfriends or husbands should never know
about! My litmus test now is to check how much I need to complain to my
girlfriends about the relationship I am in.
2. In the olden days, people kept private diaries and it was never OK to snoop into anyone’s diary. Today, email and text messages may not be seen as private as a diary. But, the same rules of privacy apply.
3. Digging leads to finding a lot of crap you were better off without! Seek and ye shall find, curiosity killed the cat! Snooping is playing with fire, so don’t do it if you don’t want to get burnt! The danger of snooping is that often, these conversations are from us processing our own feelings. We don’t blurt out every thought, so this privacy should be treated with respect as well. Honestly, can you safely say that every conversation you have with your family or best friend will not hurt or upset your partner, if they happened to be eavesdropping or if they stumbled upon it? How would it feel if you felt you could not be 100% honest with anyone, just in case the wrong eyes or ears may be watching?
4. Past Future Present
No this is not an English lesson. Your past is history, and your future is a mystery. But work on your present, and make this relationship the best. The best of relationships are based on trust in every sense of the word. It is not just the kind of trust that upkeeps fidelity, but also the trust that your partner is strong enough and discerning enough to decide what they share with you, what they withhold and what kind of help or support they need from you. If you trust them then you should not cross those lines no matter what. We have many reasons for not wanting to reveal all of our experiences, thoughts, fears, plans to a partner. You shouldn’t have to defend not revealing embarrassing or hurtful moments from your past.
5. Why are you tempted to snoop?
How much about this curiosity is about you? How do you feel about yourself? The need to spy can be a sign of insecurity. Perhaps you feel you are not good enough for your partner compared to their exes. You may feel that you are not good enough for your partner and that it is only a matter of time before he/she leaves you. Remember that in adult relationships, if you are together it is because you are all they want. Your partner is with you in spite of his or her past because they CHOOSE to be with you. In fact, you’re with this special person today because of the coincidences and relationships you’ve experienced before. And you really don’t have to feel bad about your past lovers once you’ve settled down with someone you love.
6. Ask
If you are tempted to snoop because of his or her current behaviour and you are suspicious then ask them honestly instead. Be careful not to jump to accusations and speak from where you are, using “I” “I feel as if you’re secretive. I notice you leave the room to talk on the phone. I feel like you’re working late a lot.” (Advice derived from Dr. Terri Orbuch – (research scientist at the Institute for Social Research at the University of Michigan, psychologist, and Oakland University professor.)
7. Keep the Past Where it Belongs!
If you are curious about their past then ask yourself how important this information really is to you. If you feel that you won’t be negatively affected with whatever is revealed, then why ask? If you think it could be a turn on, then you are playing with fire and unless this is a relationship you are willing to risk for the sake of this experiment then again I suggest you stop it right there! It is natural to be curious about it but it will bring up all sorts of issues if they discuss parts of their past that they are uncomfortable to talk about with you, and no one should have to. Leave it up to them if they are comfortable with it and if not then it’s not necessary.
8. If you are with someone who does not understand how to respect your boundaries, don’t attack them, but rather be understanding as well and educate them. Be firm and make it clear to them that you have limits. Don’t probe, what you need to know will come out in time, through general conversation. If you don’t like being interrogated, try not to do it to others. If your partner is probing into your past too much and you can’t see a satisfying ending by exploring it, seal the doors of your past and throw away the keys. Sometimes we have to burn the bridges behind to make the present successful.
9. A relationship is made up of two parts: each individual and their life together. If either of these components gets lost, you no longer have a relationship. We will never know our partners completely, and that’s the way it should be. The past is just that “the past” and nobody has the right to pry into it or force their partner to tell them everything that happened. The past would be old irrelevant snippets but making them rehash it just to satisfy your curiosity is bringing buried stuff to the forefront that your partner has deliberately left in the past.
2. In the olden days, people kept private diaries and it was never OK to snoop into anyone’s diary. Today, email and text messages may not be seen as private as a diary. But, the same rules of privacy apply.
3. Digging leads to finding a lot of crap you were better off without! Seek and ye shall find, curiosity killed the cat! Snooping is playing with fire, so don’t do it if you don’t want to get burnt! The danger of snooping is that often, these conversations are from us processing our own feelings. We don’t blurt out every thought, so this privacy should be treated with respect as well. Honestly, can you safely say that every conversation you have with your family or best friend will not hurt or upset your partner, if they happened to be eavesdropping or if they stumbled upon it? How would it feel if you felt you could not be 100% honest with anyone, just in case the wrong eyes or ears may be watching?
4. Past Future Present
No this is not an English lesson. Your past is history, and your future is a mystery. But work on your present, and make this relationship the best. The best of relationships are based on trust in every sense of the word. It is not just the kind of trust that upkeeps fidelity, but also the trust that your partner is strong enough and discerning enough to decide what they share with you, what they withhold and what kind of help or support they need from you. If you trust them then you should not cross those lines no matter what. We have many reasons for not wanting to reveal all of our experiences, thoughts, fears, plans to a partner. You shouldn’t have to defend not revealing embarrassing or hurtful moments from your past.
5. Why are you tempted to snoop?
How much about this curiosity is about you? How do you feel about yourself? The need to spy can be a sign of insecurity. Perhaps you feel you are not good enough for your partner compared to their exes. You may feel that you are not good enough for your partner and that it is only a matter of time before he/she leaves you. Remember that in adult relationships, if you are together it is because you are all they want. Your partner is with you in spite of his or her past because they CHOOSE to be with you. In fact, you’re with this special person today because of the coincidences and relationships you’ve experienced before. And you really don’t have to feel bad about your past lovers once you’ve settled down with someone you love.
6. Ask
If you are tempted to snoop because of his or her current behaviour and you are suspicious then ask them honestly instead. Be careful not to jump to accusations and speak from where you are, using “I” “I feel as if you’re secretive. I notice you leave the room to talk on the phone. I feel like you’re working late a lot.” (Advice derived from Dr. Terri Orbuch – (research scientist at the Institute for Social Research at the University of Michigan, psychologist, and Oakland University professor.)
7. Keep the Past Where it Belongs!
If you are curious about their past then ask yourself how important this information really is to you. If you feel that you won’t be negatively affected with whatever is revealed, then why ask? If you think it could be a turn on, then you are playing with fire and unless this is a relationship you are willing to risk for the sake of this experiment then again I suggest you stop it right there! It is natural to be curious about it but it will bring up all sorts of issues if they discuss parts of their past that they are uncomfortable to talk about with you, and no one should have to. Leave it up to them if they are comfortable with it and if not then it’s not necessary.
8. If you are with someone who does not understand how to respect your boundaries, don’t attack them, but rather be understanding as well and educate them. Be firm and make it clear to them that you have limits. Don’t probe, what you need to know will come out in time, through general conversation. If you don’t like being interrogated, try not to do it to others. If your partner is probing into your past too much and you can’t see a satisfying ending by exploring it, seal the doors of your past and throw away the keys. Sometimes we have to burn the bridges behind to make the present successful.
9. A relationship is made up of two parts: each individual and their life together. If either of these components gets lost, you no longer have a relationship. We will never know our partners completely, and that’s the way it should be. The past is just that “the past” and nobody has the right to pry into it or force their partner to tell them everything that happened. The past would be old irrelevant snippets but making them rehash it just to satisfy your curiosity is bringing buried stuff to the forefront that your partner has deliberately left in the past.
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