While
constantly arguing with your husband doesn’t make for a happy
marriage, your relationship can suffer as badly if you hold back
feelings until you finally explode. “We go from being passive to being
aggressive, when it’s optimal to be assertive,” says Elizabeth Lombardo,
PhD, author of A Happy You: Your Ultimate Prescription for Happiness.
And there are certain subjects that are best to address as soon as
possible. Here, experts share their thoughts on nine fights worth
starting—and why doing so can actually improve your marriage.
The fight: “You're too obsessed with your phone/iPad.”
After a long day, you want to catch up with your husband—not compete with Angry Birds or whoever’s texting him for his attention. “Energy spent on your phone is energy that’s not being put into the relationship,” says Alisa Bowman, author of Project: Happily Ever After. Rather than roll your eyes when he whips out his cell, start a conversation. Try: “If we’re talking and you take a phone call, I feel like I don’t matter to you,” suggests Laurie Puhn, couples mediator and author of Fight Less, Love More: 5-Minute Conversations to Change Your Relationship without Blowing Up or Giving In.
After that, come up with ground rules about disconnecting, whether it’s during meals together or for an hour each night. And stick with that plan. If he slips up, which he will at first, Puhn recommends saying something like: “Was that text important, or did you just forget our new rule? In that case, a foot massage is in order!” If your mate isn’t following the guidelines at all, sit down and re-discuss what works for you, she says.
The fight: “I feel like it's all on me, all the time.”
Besides growing exhausted from doing every chore on your own, you may also begin to feel like your hubby doesn’t care about you if he doesn’t chip in. But that’s not how he sees it. “Men process things in different ways. Women put the burden on themselves and personalize things,” says Lombardo.
If you’re feeling unsupported, say something before you start resenting your spouse. Speaking up did wonders for DeVonne of Bowie, MD. The working mom of twins reached her boiling point when she realized she was on the go from 5:00 a.m. until 10 p.m. “I told my husband, ‘I’m a super mommy, but I need to take off my cape sometimes—you need to help out more,’” she says. After a little yelling and some tears, her husband does everything she does around the house and with their twins.
Start the discussion when stress levels are low, advises Lombardo. And be specific about your needs. Try: “It would help me if you handle these three things each week without me asking.” Also, adds Lombardo, point out what’s in it for him: a happier, more energetic wife. Just know, however, that sometimes you will have to make requests if he forgets. “Assertively but kindly ask, ‘Honey, could you empty the dishwasher?’” suggests Bowman. “We don’t think we should have to make these simple requests. In reality, though, some spouses need a nudge.”
The fight: “You need to see a doctor.”
Jenny of Powder Springs, GA, grew tired of her husband’s complaints about headaches and arm numbness because he refused to visit a doctor. She even jokingly suggested she increase his life insurance policy! She finally got him to change his ways with help from family—she and his parents together convinced him to get checked out. The diagnosis: high blood pressure. “Now he’s on medication and doing much better. No more headaches!” says Jenny.
Your first step: Try to figure out the source of your hubby’s doctor-avoidance, says Puhn. “People often ignore health concerns because they don’t know what to do if they get bad news. Ask if that’s the problem, and then research treatments for the ailments your mate fears the most,” she suggests. “The fact that there are ways to solve health problems could persuade him to go to the doctor.”
Then, make it clear to your hubby that you’re picking this fight for his well-being, not because he’d look better if he lost a few pounds, for instance. Compliments won’t hurt either. When you bring this up, focus on how much you need, love and care about him and want him to stick around for the long haul. How could he argue with that?
The fight: “Don't undermine my authority in front of the kids.”
It’s tough to be taken seriously when your children witness Dad overruling one of your decisions. It could be as innocent as him giving your son a few extra minutes playing his video game (after you’ve told him to power down), but if done repeatedly, the kids will catch on. Try: “Our children know they can get away with stuff. Let’s get on the same page,” advises Lombardo.
Put it out there that if one of you makes a decision, the other parent must uphold it. You can discuss differing parenting styles when the kids aren’t there, but in front of them, stand united. When one of you isn’t around to check with the other, try to hold out on offering a decision, suggests Puhn. “Whether it’s how late a teen can stay out or how much money to give her, don’t cave just because your child wants an answer immediately.”
The fight: “You spend too much money.” Or “You’re too cheap.”
Before you get into a spending spat, think about your spouse’s motivations. According to Lombardo, “a spender may want to enjoy their hard work, while a saver wants to feel safe.”
Still, whatever money matter is important to you, don’t keep it bottled up.
*Monica from Detroit, MI, says her husband still thanks her for picking a fight about purchasing long-term-care insurance years ago. “He thought it was too expensive. Ten years later, the prices have exploded and the generous policy we bought then isn't offered anymore,” she says. How did she convince him? She compared the costs of not having insurance (like what nursing homes may charge decades from now) to having it. Buying insurance turned out to be the smarter spending strategy. So when a purchase is necessary or can save you more money in the long run, lay out that argument as Monica did.
While you shouldn’t waste energy on money spent or saved in the past, make a rule for the future, advises Puhn. “Maybe you’re both free to spend what you want up to a certain amount or from a specific account, and beyond that you must consult your partner,” she says.
The fight: “You work all the time.”
Especially in a tough job market, your husband may be putting in extra hours to stay in his boss’s good graces. Or maybe he simply enjoys his work. Whatever the case, you barely see him and you’re feeling lonely. “You’re not getting what you need, but he thinks he’s being the perfect husband by providing,” says Bowman.
But saying “stop working so much” won’t work. He’ll hear “you don’t respect what I’m doing or how hard I’m working,” explains Lombardo. Instead, emphasize that you miss him and come up with ways to spend more time together, she suggests. Maybe you can wake up earlier some mornings to have coffee with each other, schedule a standing date night (even if he has to return to work after) or meet at the gym for a joint workout.
The fight: “You can’t let your family/friends treat me like that!”
It’s inevitable that an in-law or one of your hubby’s buddies will offend at some point, and your partner’s failure to defend you might leave you fuming. But here’s the thing: Your husband may not even know why you’re mad, says Lombardo. “Sit him down, take a deep breath and say: ‘Here’s what happened and here’s why it upset me. What can we do about it?’”
But don’t hold your partner accountable for others’ actions, just as you wouldn’t want to be on the hook for something your mom or best friend did. Instead, discuss how you can eliminate the potential for problems in the future. For instance, when he hangs out with his old college roommate (the one you can’t stand), have alternate plans for yourself. Or the next time his mom criticizes your parenting in front of the whole family, he’ll speak to her about it privately.
The fight: “You’re constantly complaining.”
Everyone has the occasional bad day, but if your ranting hubby is frequently sucking the joy out of your time together, get his complaining in check. That’s what *Michelle from Oregon had to do after her husband groused about little things on a family trip, like stepping off the airport security line so their son could finish a drink he couldn’t take to the gate. Michelle confronted him about the behavior, and they both acknowledged that he was struggling with separating his intense business trips from laid-back getaways. “Now I remind him to make a mental change from work travel mode to fun vacation mode when we take family trips,” says Michelle.
When your husband complains, be a good listener, but only for a few minutes, says Bowman. He may not realize he’s being a downer, so after he has his say, point out the bright side and then tell him it’s time to switch gears, she suggests.
The fight: “You only show affection when you want to fool around.”
“The interpretation is he’s using you for your body,” says Lombardo, even though that’s likely not the case. He married you, after all! Without consistent affection, though, a woman might not feel consistently loved. Not to mention, his sex-driven moves will end up leading to less intimacy, says Bowman. “When you see him coming, you may tense up, which kills the mood,” she explains.
The solution: Designate some nights as sex-free ones, during which it’s his job to still give affection, but with no strings attached, suggests Bowman. Lombardo adds that women need to be vocal about their need for a physical connection outside of the bedroom. “Tell him, ‘When you hold my hand or hug me, it reminds me you love me,’” she recommends.
The fight: “You're too obsessed with your phone/iPad.”
After a long day, you want to catch up with your husband—not compete with Angry Birds or whoever’s texting him for his attention. “Energy spent on your phone is energy that’s not being put into the relationship,” says Alisa Bowman, author of Project: Happily Ever After. Rather than roll your eyes when he whips out his cell, start a conversation. Try: “If we’re talking and you take a phone call, I feel like I don’t matter to you,” suggests Laurie Puhn, couples mediator and author of Fight Less, Love More: 5-Minute Conversations to Change Your Relationship without Blowing Up or Giving In.
After that, come up with ground rules about disconnecting, whether it’s during meals together or for an hour each night. And stick with that plan. If he slips up, which he will at first, Puhn recommends saying something like: “Was that text important, or did you just forget our new rule? In that case, a foot massage is in order!” If your mate isn’t following the guidelines at all, sit down and re-discuss what works for you, she says.
The fight: “I feel like it's all on me, all the time.”
Besides growing exhausted from doing every chore on your own, you may also begin to feel like your hubby doesn’t care about you if he doesn’t chip in. But that’s not how he sees it. “Men process things in different ways. Women put the burden on themselves and personalize things,” says Lombardo.
If you’re feeling unsupported, say something before you start resenting your spouse. Speaking up did wonders for DeVonne of Bowie, MD. The working mom of twins reached her boiling point when she realized she was on the go from 5:00 a.m. until 10 p.m. “I told my husband, ‘I’m a super mommy, but I need to take off my cape sometimes—you need to help out more,’” she says. After a little yelling and some tears, her husband does everything she does around the house and with their twins.
Start the discussion when stress levels are low, advises Lombardo. And be specific about your needs. Try: “It would help me if you handle these three things each week without me asking.” Also, adds Lombardo, point out what’s in it for him: a happier, more energetic wife. Just know, however, that sometimes you will have to make requests if he forgets. “Assertively but kindly ask, ‘Honey, could you empty the dishwasher?’” suggests Bowman. “We don’t think we should have to make these simple requests. In reality, though, some spouses need a nudge.”
The fight: “You need to see a doctor.”
Jenny of Powder Springs, GA, grew tired of her husband’s complaints about headaches and arm numbness because he refused to visit a doctor. She even jokingly suggested she increase his life insurance policy! She finally got him to change his ways with help from family—she and his parents together convinced him to get checked out. The diagnosis: high blood pressure. “Now he’s on medication and doing much better. No more headaches!” says Jenny.
Your first step: Try to figure out the source of your hubby’s doctor-avoidance, says Puhn. “People often ignore health concerns because they don’t know what to do if they get bad news. Ask if that’s the problem, and then research treatments for the ailments your mate fears the most,” she suggests. “The fact that there are ways to solve health problems could persuade him to go to the doctor.”
Then, make it clear to your hubby that you’re picking this fight for his well-being, not because he’d look better if he lost a few pounds, for instance. Compliments won’t hurt either. When you bring this up, focus on how much you need, love and care about him and want him to stick around for the long haul. How could he argue with that?
The fight: “Don't undermine my authority in front of the kids.”
It’s tough to be taken seriously when your children witness Dad overruling one of your decisions. It could be as innocent as him giving your son a few extra minutes playing his video game (after you’ve told him to power down), but if done repeatedly, the kids will catch on. Try: “Our children know they can get away with stuff. Let’s get on the same page,” advises Lombardo.
Put it out there that if one of you makes a decision, the other parent must uphold it. You can discuss differing parenting styles when the kids aren’t there, but in front of them, stand united. When one of you isn’t around to check with the other, try to hold out on offering a decision, suggests Puhn. “Whether it’s how late a teen can stay out or how much money to give her, don’t cave just because your child wants an answer immediately.”
The fight: “You spend too much money.” Or “You’re too cheap.”
Before you get into a spending spat, think about your spouse’s motivations. According to Lombardo, “a spender may want to enjoy their hard work, while a saver wants to feel safe.”
Still, whatever money matter is important to you, don’t keep it bottled up.
*Monica from Detroit, MI, says her husband still thanks her for picking a fight about purchasing long-term-care insurance years ago. “He thought it was too expensive. Ten years later, the prices have exploded and the generous policy we bought then isn't offered anymore,” she says. How did she convince him? She compared the costs of not having insurance (like what nursing homes may charge decades from now) to having it. Buying insurance turned out to be the smarter spending strategy. So when a purchase is necessary or can save you more money in the long run, lay out that argument as Monica did.
While you shouldn’t waste energy on money spent or saved in the past, make a rule for the future, advises Puhn. “Maybe you’re both free to spend what you want up to a certain amount or from a specific account, and beyond that you must consult your partner,” she says.
The fight: “You work all the time.”
Especially in a tough job market, your husband may be putting in extra hours to stay in his boss’s good graces. Or maybe he simply enjoys his work. Whatever the case, you barely see him and you’re feeling lonely. “You’re not getting what you need, but he thinks he’s being the perfect husband by providing,” says Bowman.
But saying “stop working so much” won’t work. He’ll hear “you don’t respect what I’m doing or how hard I’m working,” explains Lombardo. Instead, emphasize that you miss him and come up with ways to spend more time together, she suggests. Maybe you can wake up earlier some mornings to have coffee with each other, schedule a standing date night (even if he has to return to work after) or meet at the gym for a joint workout.
The fight: “You can’t let your family/friends treat me like that!”
It’s inevitable that an in-law or one of your hubby’s buddies will offend at some point, and your partner’s failure to defend you might leave you fuming. But here’s the thing: Your husband may not even know why you’re mad, says Lombardo. “Sit him down, take a deep breath and say: ‘Here’s what happened and here’s why it upset me. What can we do about it?’”
But don’t hold your partner accountable for others’ actions, just as you wouldn’t want to be on the hook for something your mom or best friend did. Instead, discuss how you can eliminate the potential for problems in the future. For instance, when he hangs out with his old college roommate (the one you can’t stand), have alternate plans for yourself. Or the next time his mom criticizes your parenting in front of the whole family, he’ll speak to her about it privately.
The fight: “You’re constantly complaining.”
Everyone has the occasional bad day, but if your ranting hubby is frequently sucking the joy out of your time together, get his complaining in check. That’s what *Michelle from Oregon had to do after her husband groused about little things on a family trip, like stepping off the airport security line so their son could finish a drink he couldn’t take to the gate. Michelle confronted him about the behavior, and they both acknowledged that he was struggling with separating his intense business trips from laid-back getaways. “Now I remind him to make a mental change from work travel mode to fun vacation mode when we take family trips,” says Michelle.
When your husband complains, be a good listener, but only for a few minutes, says Bowman. He may not realize he’s being a downer, so after he has his say, point out the bright side and then tell him it’s time to switch gears, she suggests.
The fight: “You only show affection when you want to fool around.”
“The interpretation is he’s using you for your body,” says Lombardo, even though that’s likely not the case. He married you, after all! Without consistent affection, though, a woman might not feel consistently loved. Not to mention, his sex-driven moves will end up leading to less intimacy, says Bowman. “When you see him coming, you may tense up, which kills the mood,” she explains.
The solution: Designate some nights as sex-free ones, during which it’s his job to still give affection, but with no strings attached, suggests Bowman. Lombardo adds that women need to be vocal about their need for a physical connection outside of the bedroom. “Tell him, ‘When you hold my hand or hug me, it reminds me you love me,’” she recommends.
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