Do you feel like your relationship isn’t quite what it used to
be? To help you revive your relationship, we’ve reviewed a serious body
of research to bring you the 10 most powerful, scientifically proven
ways to improve virtually any relationship.
These tips also happen to be the key ingredients that go into making a
good relationship work, so even if you think everything’s great, you
can use this list as a diagnostic tool to make sure you and your partner
are on the road to relationship bliss.
10. Solidify your friendship: How satisfied you feel in your relationship has to do with how connectedyou
feel to your partner. Research suggests that our ability to connect
with others (our attachment style) is influenced by our childhood
experiences. 65% of children can be classified as having a secure
attachment style, with the remaining 35% having an insecure attachment
style.
As an adult, an insecure attachment style is associated with a slew of relationship troubles,
including jealousy, obsession, and emotional highs and lows. The good
news is that, regardless of your present pattern, you can become more
securely attached, or connected, to your partner by developing a deeper
friendship. To do that, incrementally spend more time with her doing
something you both enjoy. Also, regularly ask for updates on your
partner’s likes, dislikes, current stressors, and new interests, as
people change over time.
9. Appreciate each other: Remember when you first started dating, how you used to go that extra mileto
impress her? Well, one of the secrets to a long, fulfilling
relationship is to continue to actively appreciate your partner. You
don’t necessarily have to pull out all the stops the way you did back in
the day, but regular efforts to show your partner that you appreciate
her will do wonders for improving your relationship.
If you’re not sure where to start, a good place is by doling out daily compliments.
Tell her she looks hot or thank her for organizational abilities when
she reminds you to call your mother. The only rule is to make sure that
you genuinely mean what you say.
8. Concentrate on the present to ensure your future: Interestingly,
the ability of your relationship to weather tough times has a lot to do
with your mutual availability in the here and now. Unfortunately, over
time, for a variety of reasons, many couples move further apart from
each other, meaning that when a rough patch hits, their relationship
doesn’t survive. To build a rock-solid relationship, start by
acknowledging rather than ignoring the ordinary moments in your
relationship. If your partner wants to share something she”s reading on
the net, for example, take a minute to listen, even if
you simply grunt in response. It may sound strange, but if you
accumulate enough of the little things, when you really need your
partner, you”ll find she”s there for you.
7. Don’t distort: Researchers have known
for a long time that unhappy couples focus on the negatives in their
relationships. An early study (1980) found that unhappy couples
underestimated the occurrence of pleasurable events in their
relationships by 50%. Also, another study (1987) found that individuals
in distressed relationships were prone to attributing negative
intentions to their partner’s behaviour.
If you find yourself stuck in this rut of distorted thinking, the
next time you have a negative thought about something your partner has
done, try to come up with a more neutral explanation for her actions. Another strategy is to consider whether you would judge yourself so harshly if the situation were reversed. Finally, remind yourself often of the good times you’ve spent together recently.
6. Share power: When a man is not willing
to share power with his relationship partner, a research indicates there
is an 81% chance that his relationship will self-destruct. While hoarding power may have got you ahead in your career,
this strategy will backfire in your relationship because your
girlfriend will end up feeling like her opinions aren’t valuable and she
doesn’t matter to you. To help save your relationship, develop a more accepting attitude toward compromise. Practice by giving in on issues you don’t feel extremely invested in.
5. Find common goals: Research has shown
that couples who share dreams and goals have longer-lasting, more
satisfying relationships. If you feel like you’ve been out of sync
lately with your partner on this front, discuss your philosophy of life
together. The aim is for both of you to share what
you want your life to be about, where you want to end up and what these
things mean to you. Look for anything that’s common between the two of
you and talk about ways to work toward that aspiration together.
4. Understand anger: While outbursts of
anger are common even in healthy relationships, when anger becomes an
entrenched part of your couple life, you should be concerned. Some
relationship herapists, supporters of emotion-focused therapy, an
empirically validated treatment for distressed relationships, refer to
anger as a secondary emotion: other (primary) emotions, such as sadness or a fear of being abandoned, can be found behind an angry front.
Think back to the last argument you had with your partner and use this new knowledge to look forhidden messages in
what you and your partner were each trying to communicate. Attempting
to disregard the angry tone you both used and trying to tune in to what
you were each really trying to say will help you to see that you both
have needs in your relationship that make sense. For instance, “You’re a
workaholic!” might really mean “I miss you and want to spend more time
with you.”
3. Break negative cycles: Troubled relationships tend to follow a demand-withdraw pattern. That means that one person tends to be more critical and demanding, while the other tends to withdraw or shut down in response to conflict. 85% of the time, men tend to be the withdrawer. The reason may be biological – men’s cardiovascular systems are
more responsive to stress, so tuning out your mate is an attempt to
avoid uncomfortable sensations. To break the negative pattern of
conflict in your relationship, next time things get heated, let your partner know what’s
going on with you by saying: “I can see this issue is important to you.
I’m feeling too angry to discuss it right now, though, so let’s come
back to it once we’ve cooled off.”
2. Focus on what’s fixable: As long as an argument doesn’t leave you feeling like you’ve been through an emotional roller coaster, consider it fixable.
One major area that causes tension in relationships is finances,
with a longitudinal study by economists finding that 33% of couples
have seriously divergent views on income, wealth and debts. In
particular, the initial stages of living together may be especially
fraught with monetary concerns. So that this problem doesn’t spiral out of control,
sit down with your other half and craft a detailed action plan,
consulting any resources that might help to get your finances on track.
You should both be able to live with the new arrangement or it won’t
work. Use this method to address any other problems in your life that
you deem fixable.
1. Accept the unsolvable: Unfortunately,
according to relationship scientists, 69% of relationship conflicts are
persistent problems. This means they revolve around issues that tend to
resurface no matter how long you’ve been together. If you find a problem
seems to call up painful emotions, you’re looking at one that’s persistent.
To stop this trouble from ruining your relationship, you’ll need to address the bigger issues underlying your difficulty. Take turns discussing with
your partner what this loaded issue really means to you. When your
partner is talking, your job is to listen, be nonjudgmental and to find
something in her perspective that makes sense to you. When it’s your
turn to talk, she should be doing the same thing. By treading more gently into touchy areas, you should at least be able to agree to disagree or make some small concessions for one another.
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