Achieving fame in Nigeria is not such a hard job if you know the easy
ways of achieving it instantly. Hard work, excellence, dedication,
talent, knowledge and skill are no longer the only means to gaining fame
in Nigeria as the case may be. This is significantly an indictment on
our society.
Be it fame, notoriety or popularity in a positive light, the
fundamental thing is that you are known; Nigerians discuss you in pubs
and gatherings, on social media and in their daily interactions. In
consonance with this, the Oxford dictionary meaning of fame as “the
state of being known and talked about by many” is what is intended here.
In that gamut, if you are tired of nestling in oblivion and dark
obscurity, this article points the ways of gaining instant fame in
Nigeria that some Nigerians have explored and are today basking in the
cumulus of their “celebrity” status. However, readers beware! This is
satiric, and not an encouragement of the pursuit of fame without values,
ideals, scruples or ethics.
As a matter of fact, the most viable but sinister means of gaining
quick, easy fame in Nigeria is to insult the President. I tell you, many
have done this and are cruising in a celebrity roller-coaster. They are
quoted as authorities on public affairs, economic issues, legal matters
and other subjects. In fact, on every matter as long as it is related
to Nigeria and the government, they are experts. Such is the height of
their fame. They usually go by these distinguished appellations, public
affairs analyst, public affairs expert, consummate public matters
strategist and commentator, expert on governmental and Nigerian affairs
as well as other high and vain designations.
To achieve fame by insulting the President, you must be masterly in
your choice of words. Words like “clueless” and “shoeless” are the
inventions of persons who are already in the “Insult the President
Hallowed Hall of Fame”. And are trite. So you must be creative and
invent new insults that will ring. That is if you are determined to
achieve quick fame, and be quoted as an authority on issues concerning
Nigeria.You may extend the insult to his wife, instead of Dame you call
her lame for her English. Your words will go viral on social networks
and blogs. You may even attract the attention of the opposition, who
knows. Your meteoric rise has just begun!
Another way to achieve fame in Nigeria is by being an “ethnic
warrior”. By ethnic warrior, I mean a virulent tribal jingoist. It does
not matter if you know the history of your people or not. Your object is
to gain fame. And to do that, you must cut down or speak unkindly of
other ethnic groups. You must have a fertile imagination good enough to
fabricate stories that will appeal to the emotions of your race and not
their reason. For example, tell them that other ethnic groups are
responsible for all their problems, and that they must annihilate those
ethnic groups before they can make progress. Before you know it, you
become an ethnic champion and a headache to other ethnic groups. The
attempts by a melange of bitten persons of other ethnic groups to
counter and debate your vitriolic statements will balloon your profile
and give you fame as quick as cooking noodles in boiling water. It has
worked for some Nigerians who are now classed as nationalists, and in
that respect have achieved celebrity status.
Again, if you are bent on becoming (in)famous in Nigeria for whatever
reason, then you must be ready to do the derring-do. Whatever, it is
that you do, if you end up on the EFCC wanted list, you have become
(in)famous.The EFCC looking for you alone is a sign of class. That
guarantees you space in newspapers, social networks and blogs. You have
become a big fish! “Eja nla”! In addition, for you to find a spot on the
prestigious EFCC list that contains names of the “high and mighty” who
are being investigated for different reasons is no small feat. In fact,
it has become a somewhat free publicity tangent to be on the EFCC crime
or wanted list as it is now a sign of “arrival” in affluence and
political relevance. If you steal big, that is billions, your name will
ring louder, and you will probably get a light sentence after which you
can enjoy your “spoils”, but if you steal small, like doing
“Yahoo-Yahoo” you will probably still remain in obscurity, and may get
severe punishment. The former heads of some Nigerian banks, politicians,
government officials and affluent Nigerians who have walked down the
EFCC road know this. So you have to determine how to get to the till
where the billions are.
These are the three ways of gaining instant fame in Nigeria. If there
are more ways that you know, please be free to share with me. Yours
truly has been in dark obscurity for too long.
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