Well, damn. It turns out that not having sex is a pretty big determinator
in keeping you from having sex
1. Not Having a Sense of Smell
Scientists have found that smells plays an important role in sex —
but not in the way you’d think. Studies show that men and women who lack
the ability to smell also report having fewer sexual partners and being
less satisfied with the sex that they actually do, somehow, manage to
have. The issue is that smell plays a huge role in how human beings
communicate emotions to each other, with feelings like “nervousness” and
“fear” being regularly transmitted through odors before they’re
communicated with words or body language. Losing the ability to smell
when your partner is turned on or even if they’re sexually compatible
with you deprives men and women of the confidence they need. Of course,
I’m not saying that you should go around sniffing people in bars or
asking them to smell you before you try to bring them home, but…
actually? Yes, that’s what I’m saying, because that sounds
hilarious. So go do that now.
2. Using An Android Phone
According to an OKCupid survey, iPhone Users have an average of 10-12
sexual partners by age 30, with Blackberry users coming in a decent
second at 8 and Android trudging along at the back of the line with an
average of 6. There’s no obvious reason, but since Android users
are more likely to put out on the first date we’re forced to assume it’s
because they’re just desperate. I could make the obvious joke about how
iPhone users aren’t just getting f*cked by Apple (like Wired did) or I
can talk about how Android users are probably getting better at swiping
their own screen — but I won’t, because that would be crass. And I’m
never crass. Moving on.
3. Not Shaving
A recent study showed that men who don’t shave have less sex, fewer
orgasms, are more likely to work blue collar and suffer from angina.
Goodbye Brawny-Man stereotype, right? Not quite: the study wasn’t just
about shaving, but about men who stay in all day and never go out and
don’t care about their appearance. Basically it’s proof of the idea
that if you don’t take care of yourself and never try to get laid, you
won’t. So if you’re feeling bad about your lack of action, a shower
might be a good place to start.
4. You Have High Testosterone
While most people believe that testosterone is the “Sex drive”
hormone, and while that’s almost certainly true for men, it’s starting
to look like it might be a bit more complicated for women. A recent
study shows that women with high testosterone still get aroused, but
are less interested in having sex than they are with taking care of
business themselves. Going it solo, if you will. Saluting the man in
the canoe. Typing with two fingers. Sending yourself some morse code.
Celebrating independence with a private, personal fireworks
display. You know. Masturbating.
5. Taking Oral Contraception
Despite the fact that the whole reason for the pill’s invention is to
give women the opportunity to have more sex, countless studies continue
to prove that it actually kills women’s libidos. Anecdotal evidence
aside (You’re sure to meet someone who can carefully explain how because
this isn’t true for them, it must not be true for anyone.) science says
that the pill makes you not wanna have sex. IUDs and condoms are fine,
though, so go have whatever kind of fun you feel like.
6. Not Being Spiritual Enough
Having a well developed sense of spirituality not only leads to more
frequent and satisfying sex, but it may also be the most fascinating
difference between men and women. While spirituality (not religion
these are very different) is the single most powerful determining factor
in a woman’s sexual behavior, it is much weaker and has the opposite
effect in men. Women who are more spiritual have more frequent sex,
with more people, are more satisfied by it and less likely to use a
condom. Spiritual men, on the other hand, have less sex. This is most
likely because men aren’t as likely to equate satisfying sex with
emotional openness the way women are.
7. Not Having Sex
Well, damn. It turns out that not having sex is a pretty big
determinator in keeping you from having sex. A recent study found that
not having sex creates the kind of behavior that continually leads to
less and less sex. For example, couples that only have sex once a week
are more likely to take more work to use up that extra energy, which
then leaves their mana-well far too low to cast the level-6 Boner-Bolt
their partner so desperately needs. And as the stress builds, having
sex becomes even more difficult, until you’re drawn down into an
entirely sexless void where everyone always wears clothes and the only
thing on TV is Matlock.
8. Being Too Smart (Or Too Dumb)
Sorry, nerds: in the harsh words of an unkind sociology professor
from North Carolina, “Intelligence is negatively associated with sex
frequency.” The smarter you are, the less likely you are to get
laid. The longer you spend in school, the more nights you spend
alone. The harder you pump those blood vessels in your brain, the less
pumping you’ll… well, you get the picture. Weirdly enough, there’s
something of a parabola in the high school years, that quickly becomes
more of a straight line as you get older: in high school, low
intelligence and high intelligence are both associated with less sex, so
it’s the average Jill and Joe that are stealing cigarettes and blowing
each other’s minds in the third-floor bathroom during fifth period. But
as they grow up, the dummys have a lot of making up to do, and boy oh
boy do they ever make it up. The smart folk never do, though. They live
their lives cold and alone forever. All of them. If you think you’re
smart and having sex then, well, I’m sorry to say that you’re wrong
about one of those things. Or you’re the outlier. Whichever.
9. Watching Porn
You’ve all heard the story about Squinty-Bill, the ordinary teenager
who was corrupted by internet porn and turned into a sex-crazed maniac
who blew his parents’ entire 401k on hookers in Las Vegas during one
orgiastic weekend. But you’ll be shocked to learn that Squinty-Bill is
most likely a myth, firstly because of this study that correlates porn
use with erectile dysfunction, and secondly because I just made
Squinty-Bill up. Yup, while you may not go blind, the truth is much,
much darker: porn will slide its spindly needles of addiction right down
your eyeballs, curl them inside your brain, and rip all the parts out
that make sex work. Especially if you live in Rome, for some reason.
10. You’re a Smoker
Sorry guys, this one only applies to you. It turns out that cigars
are more like penises than Freud ever imagined — in that when you burn
one down, you burn the other down as well. You light one up, and the
other gets cooled off. You can suck on one now, but there’ll be nothing
to suck on later. Smoking makes your boner not work.
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